In our Me and You classes we talk about the different relationships we may have in our lives. I'm going to talk about some of those relationships in the next few weeks. So let's start with friendship as almost everyone has had friends!
“FRIEND” is too special of a title to give to just anyone. We use “true friends” instead of just calling people a friend. Why is “true” in there? Because the word friend is overused. “Friend” is used to describe just about anyone a person with a disability may know, whether it's a staff member, someone in the community, or a peer at day program. On many occasions after only knowing someone briefly, I've been called a “friend” almost immediately. I am always careful to point out that if we have just met, I am still a stranger. Some may call this mean, but I call it abuse prevention.
By calling someone a friend it implies a level of trust. However, trust has to be earned over time by respecting the person as a whole, as well as their privacy and boundaries. If someone has a hard time being able to tell when they are being taken advantage of or even abused, then by calling just anyone a friend you are opening them up to trusting just anyone, which swings the door wide open for abuse. If we can instead teach people that not everyone is a friend and that trust has to be earned, then we are teaching that person how to prevent abuse in their own life.
Not being encouraged to create real friendships is all too common in the world of social services. I recently read an obituary for a gentleman with Down Syndrome in his 40's who had passed away. In his obituary it talked about who he was survived by. The list was short and it made me sad- his parents, siblings and his “best friend”, who was his social recreation worker, a paid staff. No one, and I mean NO one, should have to pay someone to be their friend. If you hear a staff member say, “than who else would be their friend if not me?”, there should be a very serious conversation that ensues. Can you imagine saying that about your child? I would think not. So why would you say that about an adult? A staff member who makes a statement like this is a staff member that does not see the person they are caring for as an equal.
People with disabilities DESERVE real relationships. Staff should be encouraged to teach people real social skills: how to carry a conversation that doesn't revolve around them; how to make plans with someone to go out and do something; find what their real interests are, not just what is convenient for staff (can we say bowling and bingo?); find new interests to try, real hobbies that can give them a commonality with others.
A TRUE friend is someone you have a real relationship with- you have common interests, things to talk about, you both help each other, and you both need each other. A true friend is someone you could call in the middle of the night after a fight with your boyfriend. A true friend is someone you would drop everything for in a heartbeat to help, no questions asked. A true friend is someone who knows you absolutely hate zucchini with a passion and will leave it out when they cook for you. A true friend is someone who doesn't have to be reminded of your birthday or your mom's name or why you can't help but laugh when certain commercials come on. Everyone deserves true friends.
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