In a Romantic Relationship, I Have the Right to…

• Say NO when

  my partner wants to do sexual things.

• Learn about birth control and use it to prevent a baby.
• Have my privacy and boundaries respected at all times.
• Be treated with respect- my thoughts and opinions matter.
• Be treated like an adult- it is MY choice who I am in a relationship with.
• Be free from abuse or neglect of any kind.

It is My Responsibility in a Romantic Relationship to…

• Be open and honest about my feelings and thoughts.
• Listen to my partner’s feelings and thoughts.
• Do things in a way that won’t hurt me or the people around me.
• Treat myself and my partner with respect.
• Respect others privacy and boundaries at all times.
• ONLY have sex because I feel good about it, and not because I feel like I have to.
• Follow the Four P’s: Privacy, Protection, Permission and Person 18 or older.
• Know how to use a condom.
• Know how a woman can get pregnant.
• Know what birth control we will use if it”s needed.

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Most of us have only 1 sweetheart, a handful of true friends, and a LOT of casual relationships.  A casual relationship is one where we know the person by name, but we usually only see them in one place, and we DON'T usually share personal or private information with them.

Let me show you an example of some of the people you may have casual relationships with-

• Co-wor

  kers

• A favorite waitress at your favorite restaurant
• Neighbors
• Your mail-man
• A favorite bus driver
• Most of the people at your day program that are not staff or a close friend
• Teammates at Special Olympics, bowling league, softball league, or other sport or group.

It's OK to be friendly with them, to chit-chat, or to tell jokes to.  However, we don't usually share personal or private information with them- and that's OK!  People use different words than “friend” to describe a casual relationship, like a buddy, pal, bro, or acquaintance.  What word do YOU use to describe a casual relationship?

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This of a person in YOUR life that you're not quite sure if they are a true friend or not.  Ask yourself these 5 questions, and be really honest when answering.  If you answer yes to ALL of the questions, they are a true friend.  If you answer no to ANY of the questions, they are not a true friend.  They may be a casual relationship if you see them around town or only in one place, or they may be a working relationship if they are paid to be in your life.  That's OK!!  Friend is such a special title that it shouldn't be given to just an

yone.

1.  Do you spend time together, outside of where you met, doing things you both enjoy?

YES          NO

2.  Do you BOTH talk to each other about your problems or when you just need someone to talk to?

YES          NO

3.  Do you BOTH share personal feelings and stories with each other?

YES          NO

4.  Do BOTH people make decisions and give help to each other?

YES          NO

5.  Are BOTH of you spending time together because you want to, and NOT because you are paid to?

YES          NO

Remember, if you answered YES to all of the questions- they are a true friend.

If you answered NO to any of the questions, they are NOT a true friend.

We hope this helps!

The post Friend Questions appeared first on We Care A Lot Foundation.

short amount of time to talk in, we weren”t able to really share WHY we teach what we teach.

Most people with developmental disabilities are abused in their life.  Most.  Not some, not a few, but MOST.  And most of that abuse comes from a caregiver or staff.  Not some, not a few, but MOST.  We”re talking about thousands of people every year being abused by people they know and SHOULD be able to trust.  I don”t know about you, but when I learned about this it made me angry.  I was angry because that meant the people I had been paid to protect had probably been abused by a co-worker I had trusted.  That is scary to me.

In my job I meet a LOT of people that think of their staff as a true friend, which scares me as well.  Staff are NOT a true friend.  Let me tell you why.

First of all, you should NEVER have to pay someone to be your friend.  True friends spend time together because they both WANT to be there, not because they are paid to be there.  Now many staff will tell you, “I would keep doing this job even if I wasn”t paid”.  I”m sure they mean well when they say that, but chances are if the paycheck stopped, their visits would stop.  It”s not because they”re a bad person, it”s because they need to work to put food on their table.  I want you to think back carefully- I would bet money that you have had this happen more than once.  I know, because I said it myself when I worked in a care home.  I meant it when I said it, but I never returned.

Second, just because ONE staff is a good person and does not abuse you, it doesn”t mean the next one won”t.  Unfortunately abusers are like a lion.  They will stalk people, looking for the one person they think won”t tell anyone if they are being abused.  They LOOK for the person that wants a friend, they BECOME their friend and GAIN their trust, and then they abuse them.  Most staff are good people, but there are bad ones in there.  YOU are the best person to protect YOU, by keeping privacy and boundaries in place at all times with staff, no matter how nice they may seem.

I know that when you spend so much time with someone, sometimes sharing really personal information, it can seem like you are friends.  You may  laugh and joke around with your staff, you may even care about your staff, which is all OK!!  We”re not saying you can”t ever have fun or care about your staff!  What we are saying is that you should save your deepest feelings and emotions for someone who has CHOSEN to be in your life and who has EARNED your trust, and not someone hired by a boss and given money to spend time with you.  Someone who is paid to be in your life may suddenly leave if they are fired or quit, and chances are you won”t see them again.  Would a friend really do that?  No.

Now- if your staff stops working with you for good, and THEN you start spending time together outside of where you met, doing things you both enjoy, THEN you may become friends.  But until then, it is a working relationship.

I know this may sound harsh to some people, and some will disagree, but our program believes in this strongly.  Your staff might even try to say that we”re wrong.  BUT PLEASE LISTEN!!!  We”re not doing this to be mean-  we”re doing this so that YOU can protect yourself from abuse, plain and simple.  Until staff stop abusing people with disabilities, we will continue teaching people that staff are NOT a true friend.

“Sexual abuse is common among people with disabilities because the person being abused may not realize that sexual abuse can harm them and some individuals with disabilities may not be able to tell anyone that they were sexually abused. Typically, people with disabilities learn not to question caregivers or others in authority. It is the authority figures that are often committing the abuse. Research suggests that 97% to 99% of abusers are known and trusted by the victim who has the developmental disability.” -Baladerian, 1991

The post Are staff our true friends? NO. appeared first on We Care A Lot Foundation.

In reality, most people with disabilities have a long line of staff that rotate through their lives.  A long line of staff that have access to their most personal details- school records, medical records, financial records, criminal records, family history, etc.  In addition to the access to the personal details there is also usually access to their mind, body and spirit, which is where the real damage can take place.  Have you ever met someone that proceeded to tell you their life story as soon as they learned your name?  That is what I am talking about.  That inherent trust that instantaneously appears as soon as they have learned your name.  Now that they know your name, they know YOU.  What is dangerous about this?  The vast majority of abuse occurs from someone the person knows, and SHOULD be able to trust.  This is oftentimes staff.  You may be a good person, but how about the next staff to come along?  Chronic abusers know how to charm their way into a new job, a new group home, or a new group of clients.  More often than not after an agency finds an abuser among them, the reaction is shock- I never would have suspected.

What the Respect Yourself program teaches instead is that a stranger is not only someone you have never met, but also is someone you have JUST met and know very little about.  It takes time to develop the trust needed to have a closer relationship, and there is NO way to do that within the first few times of meeting someone.  Years ago in my career I met a woman who would not allow me into her home for a meeting, like so many others had done with no problem.  I remember being so annoyed with her for messing up my schedule.  We had to meet at neutral locations several times before she would let me in her home- what a pain!  Looking back now of course I am embarrassed of my impatience.  After being abused by several staff members, this person had chosen the safest route possible.  People with disabilities SHOULD be encouraged to wait on trusting someone new.  We do not advocate being scared of strangers, only cautious and careful.  As staff we should be patient and encouraging of that initial distrust as it is what will keep more people safe.

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Let me guess- when you were growing up you were taught things like, “NEVER talk to strangers”, “strangers might kidnap you”, “never get in a stranger's car”.  Does that sound familiar?  As we grow older though, many of us realize that if followed that advice we would never leave our house, and we would never meet anyone!  Think about it- if we NEVER talked to strangers, how could you meet someone?  You wouldn't.

Instead, let's get to the heart of this.  What our parents were trying to do was keep us safe.  We want you to be safe too, but we also want you to be able to enjoy life and meet people.  So how can you do this?  Change the way you look at strangers.  With soooooooo many people in this world, there are bound to be a few bad apples in the barrel.  For the most part though, most people ar

e GOOD people, just like you and me.  What we have to learn as adults though is how to get around this world with all of it's people as safely as possible, while not being afraid to live life.

A stranger, in fact, is NOT only someone walking down the street that you've never met- a stranger can also be someone you have JUST met, and know very little about.  We don't have to be afraid of strangers, but we should be cautious and careful.  We should never share personal or private information with a stranger, such as our phone number, how much money we have, or where we live, unless it is their job to know.  But is it OK to chit-chat about the weather?  Sure!  Say you're riding the bus and you see a lightning storm.  Can you talk about what's going on outside?  Of course!

By knowing what a stranger REALLY is, and by understanding how to protect our privacy through boundaries, we can be safe with anyone.

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“FRIEND” is too special of a title to give to just anyone.  We use “true friends” instead of just calling people a friend.  Why is “true” in there?  Because the word friend is overused.  “Friend” is used to describe just about anyone a person with a disability may know, whether it's a staff member, someone in the community, or a peer at day program.  On many occasions after only knowing someone briefly, I've been called a “friend” almost immediately.  I am always careful to point out that if we have just met, I am still a stranger.  Some may call this mean, but I call it abuse prevention.

By calling someone a friend it implies a level of trust.  However, trust has to be earned over time by respecting the person as a whole, as well as their privacy and boundaries.  If someone has a hard time being able to tell when they are being taken advantage of or even abused, then by calling just anyone a friend you are opening them up to trusting just anyone, which swings the door wide open for abuse.  If we can instead teach people that not everyone is a friend and that trust has to be earned, then we are teaching that person how to prevent abuse in their own life.

Not being encouraged to create real friendships is all too common in the world of social services.  I recently read an obituary for a gentleman with Down Syndrome in his 40's who had passed away.  In his obituary it talked about who he was survived by.  The list was short and it made me sad- his parents, siblings and his “best friend”, who was his social recreation worker, a paid staff.  No one, and I mean NO one, should have to pay someone to be their friend.  If you hear a staff member say, “than who else would be their friend if not me?”, there should be a very serious conversation that ensues.  Can you imagine saying that about your child?  I would think not.  So why would you say that about an adult?  A staff member who makes a statement like this is a staff member that does not see the person they are caring for as an equal.

People with disabilities DESERVE real relationships.  Staff should be encouraged to teach people real social skills: how to carry a conversation that doesn't revolve around them; how to make plans with someone to go out and do something; find what their real interests are, not just what is convenient for staff (can we say bowling and bingo?); find new interests to try, real hobbies that can give them a commonality with others.

A TRUE friend is someone you have a real relationship with- you have common interests, things to talk about, you both help each other, and you both need each other.  A true friend is someone you could call in the middle of the night after a fight with your boyfriend.  A true friend is someone you would drop everything for in a heartbeat to help, no questions asked.  A true friend is someone who knows you absolutely hate zucchini with a passion and will leave it out when they cook for you.  A true friend is someone who doesn't have to be reminded of your birthday or your mom's name or why you can't help but laugh when certain commercials come on.  Everyone deserves true friends.

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So, our brains are wired to want to have sex and that is one part of our sexuality.  Beyond that though, is where humans get complicated.  Our sexuality has evolved to include so many parts of who we are.  Some parts stay with us a lifetime, other parts are dynamic and change.

• Being male or female or however you define your gender;
• How you view sexual orientation (being attracted to men, women, or both);
• What kind of relationship you have- or don't have- with different people;
• How the body changes from infancy to old age;
• Personal views on sex and romantic relationships.

Each person's sexuality is unique to them because it is a result of the experiences and lessons they have had which may include wha

t their parents and family taught them, as well as what they have learned from friends, society, T.V. and movies.  Those experiences and lessons also help guide us into real relationships, i.e. relationships that are based on reciprocity.  Both people have a need for, and true respect for, each other .

That base need to be close to others is another base need, one we share with many other animals.  Elephants are known for forming strong bonds with others in their herd.  They even mourn a friend's passing by standing at their side, making soft noises and running their trunk gently over their friend's body.  Isn't that a beautiful expression of caring?  That need to have close and loving relationships of some kind is present in all of us, even if  how each of us shows that need is different.

People with developmental disabilities are human.  Therefore, sexuality and the need to be close to others is present in each of them in their individual way.  But.  For anyone to say that “they” do not (or should not) think about sex, or do not (or should not) have the desire for real relationships, is to deny that person their humanity.  To deny someone's humanity can lead to disrespect, a denial of rights, cruelty and even abuse.

I think we can all agree that is a world no one should live in.

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