The Respect Yourself program recently did a presentation for a local People First chapter about boundaries we should have with staff. There were more than a few people that disagreed when we said NO, staff are NOT a true friend. With such a
short amount of time to talk in, we weren”t able to really share WHY we teach what we teach.
Most people with developmental disabilities are abused in their life. Most. Not some, not a few, but MOST. And most of that abuse comes from a caregiver or staff. Not some, not a few, but MOST. We”re talking about thousands of people every year being abused by people they know and SHOULD be able to trust. I don”t know about you, but when I learned about this it made me angry. I was angry because that meant the people I had been paid to protect had probably been abused by a co-worker I had trusted. That is scary to me.
In my job I meet a LOT of people that think of their staff as a true friend, which scares me as well. Staff are NOT a true friend. Let me tell you why.
First of all, you should NEVER have to pay someone to be your friend. True friends spend time together because they both WANT to be there, not because they are paid to be there. Now many staff will tell you, “I would keep doing this job even if I wasn”t paid”. I”m sure they mean well when they say that, but chances are if the paycheck stopped, their visits would stop. It”s not because they”re a bad person, it”s because they need to work to put food on their table. I want you to think back carefully- I would bet money that you have had this happen more than once. I know, because I said it myself when I worked in a care home. I meant it when I said it, but I never returned.
Second, just because ONE staff is a good person and does not abuse you, it doesn”t mean the next one won”t. Unfortunately abusers are like a lion. They will stalk people, looking for the one person they think won”t tell anyone if they are being abused. They LOOK for the person that wants a friend, they BECOME their friend and GAIN their trust, and then they abuse them. Most staff are good people, but there are bad ones in there. YOU are the best person to protect YOU, by keeping privacy and boundaries in place at all times with staff, no matter how nice they may seem.
I know that when you spend so much time with someone, sometimes sharing really personal information, it can seem like you are friends. You may laugh and joke around with your staff, you may even care about your staff, which is all OK!! We”re not saying you can”t ever have fun or care about your staff! What we are saying is that you should save your deepest feelings and emotions for someone who has CHOSEN to be in your life and who has EARNED your trust, and not someone hired by a boss and given money to spend time with you. Someone who is paid to be in your life may suddenly leave if they are fired or quit, and chances are you won”t see them again. Would a friend really do that? No.
Now- if your staff stops working with you for good, and THEN you start spending time together outside of where you met, doing things you both enjoy, THEN you may become friends. But until then, it is a working relationship.
I know this may sound harsh to some people, and some will disagree, but our program believes in this strongly. Your staff might even try to say that we”re wrong. BUT PLEASE LISTEN!!! We”re not doing this to be mean- we”re doing this so that YOU can protect yourself from abuse, plain and simple. Until staff stop abusing people with disabilities, we will continue teaching people that staff are NOT a true friend.
“Sexual abuse is common among people with disabilities because the person being abused may not realize that sexual abuse can harm them and some individuals with disabilities may not be able to tell anyone that they were sexually abused. Typically, people with disabilities learn not to question caregivers or others in authority. It is the authority figures that are often committing the abuse. Research suggests that 97% to 99% of abusers are known and trusted by the victim who has the developmental disability.” -Baladerian, 1991
I still disagree. my staff are my family
i’m bothered by this!
Ryan, when we teach our classes we have to look at what is best for MOST of the people that come. The idea that staff are NOT a true friend is one that keeps most people safer, and keeping people free of abuse is our goal.
If you chose to disagree and feel another way, you of course are free to do so. However, we do caution you to take your time in trusting any staff that is new, say that you’ve known less than a year. I’m glad that you have staff that treat you well so well you consider them family, but not everyone is that lucky! For most people staff come in and out of their lives (sometimes quite quickly) which sets them up for abuse if they treat each one like a friend.
If a staff is paid to be with you it is a working relationship even if they say they are your friend it is only whale they are at work. u do not do things with them out side of work. that is what is a true friend
That is the difference we are trying to point out, thank you Shelly!
This was a great idea! This booklet will bemoce an indispensable resource for students with disabilities. What’s more is that it can open a door of many possibilities to students who were previously unaware of their options.
Thank you Jacqui!